Being Happier - 10 Things I've Learned this Past Decade
- Dana Hilmer
- Mar 20
- 6 min read
Updated: Apr 12
After coaching hundreds of people through their challenges and transitions, I've come to realize (and truly internalize) that your happiness doesn't depend on that thing or person “out there”. Your happiness is your job alone. And it's an inside job.
Since my early days studying Positive Psychology, I've navigated the loss of both parents, launched three boys into adulthood, battled a mysterious health condition that continues to baffle doctors, and have found moments of peace amidst the uncertainty and chaos of the past five years.
I suspect you've also weathered your own storms in this beautiful and imperfect soup of life.
Here are 10 ways I've found more peace and experienced more happiness…
I've always been a person who does everything fast. I talk fast, walk fast, eat fast, and in my effort to keep going ⎻to keep doing ⎻ I've tended to carry my body around like it's an appendage to my brain. I hate to admit how many times I've bulldozed right through exhaustion and emotion, racing to finish what I set out to do. That has changed. It actually had to. I've learned that I need to honor and listen to my body (it's pretty damn smart!); its wisdom has been ignored for way too long. And the beauty of life is in THIS moment, not the one I'm racing toward.
Fortunately, having a health challenge has fully awakened me to these realizations.
Slow down. Use all your senses. Be present. This life of yours is meant to be experienced.
This one isn't a surprise to me. I come fully alive when I'm with my people. You've probably heard that the quality of your relationships is the strongest predictor of your happiness, longevity and healthspan. It's true. And you don't need a lot of people—just one or two peeps —that truly get you and are there for you. Stop saying yes to the things that don't really matter and spend more of your precious time with with your peeps.
To my pleasant surprise, I've learned that I too am one of the people I most want to spend time with.
As a recovering “people pleaser” and someone who, for a very long time, didn't give myself permission to do what I wanted to do, I found great inspiration in Gandhi's quote: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
Harmony.
Being in alignment.
Spending your precious time and energy on what truly matters most to YOU.
This is the definition of peace and happiness.
I still turn to this quote as my guiding light. And as Bronnie Ware reminds us, the #1 regret of the dying is: “I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” Ouch! What are you waiting for?
I've always had an abundantly positive mindset, and yet, when life feels tough, it still requires attention and practice. All the stuff going on between your ears dictates what you think, how you feel, and what you choose to do. Life is hard, and for many, times are hard.
The reality is… There is always crap you can focus on AND there's always good stuff too. It's your job to decide what you let in and what you're going to focus on. This lens, more often than not, creates the quality of your moments and your days. Make your moments matter.
I've been carrying a very heavy backpack for a very long time. It's been chock full of stuff I've taken on (either intentionally or unintentionally) that either isn't mine to carry (or solve) and beliefs and things that don't serve me at this time. It's a work in progress and I'm a lot lighter than I was a few years ago.
How about you? How heavy is your backpack?
Let's take a peek… Outdated beliefs that in no way serve you, “shoulds” or expectations you've inadvertently bought into, relationships that drain you, perfectionism, regrets about what you “should” have done or how things “should” have worked out, unexpressed anger, guilt, and resentment… These are some of the things that may find their way into your pack.
Perhaps the most liberating realization is accepting that I cannot control what anyone else thinks or does… and neither can you. Let it go! It's a hell of a lot easier to move forward when you're traveling more lightly. Let it go!
I'm always a fan of an exciting trip and a great hiking adventure, but that's not what I'm talking about here. We need to shake it up!! We can all benefit from infusing new perspectives, learnings, fun and adventures into our daily lives. Last year I decided to try two creative pursuits for the first time—pottery (so fun; I sucked; it didn't matter!) and comedic storytelling. Both of these activities lit me up and challenged me to explore an untapped, more creative side of myself. And I met cool people too!
This year it's about cooking, slowing down, reading, being in nature, radical self care and planting a real garden for the first time.
If life feels heavy and you're in a rut, try something new. Read a book. Take a class. Meet new people. Explore a new town and take a different path home. Live your life like the adventure it can be.
I used to waste a lot of my time and energy seeking approval and pleasing others to be loved. This one goes way back to my childhood. What a colossal waste of time and energy!
There is nothing about you (or me) that needs to be fixed. You don't need to be thinner, more successful, get more done, make more money, be a morning person, have better hair… or anything else. You just need to fully embrace the perfectly imperfect you that you are.
And your way is the way for you. My way is the way for me.
In other words, there is no one-size-fits-all or “right way.” It's all about you being YOU and doing what works for YOU.
AND… you don't need validation or permission from anyone. Period. You are enough, just as you are!
This can be a hard one to embrace. Many of us, for years, have been conditioned to think life, or health, or whatever,.. is happening TO us. What if, instead, you embrace the belief that it's happening FOR you? It can be challenging but it gives you a better perspective to solve from. Does this challenge open a new ⎻ perhaps better ⎻ door for you ? Can it actually simplify your life? What are you meant to learn from this experience?
For me, I'm practicing this as it relates to my health and I've concluded (because my issue is largely trauma-based) that I'm meant to learn from and process my past. I'm meant to experience and express my emotions. I am meant to find peace in everything not being totally okay. I believe freedom and a pain-free life will be on the other side.
This one is so important because every moment you spend your time and energy focusing and worrying about the things that are out of your control, you don't seize the moment to act on the things that are. There is a lot going on in the world right now that you—we—cannot control. But you can control your reaction. For me, it's about being intentional about what I let in and doing my best to make a difference in my little corner of the world.
Research shows that those with a regular gratitude practice can actually elevate their happiness by 15%! That's because gratitude is the ultimate way of focusing your lens on what is good, beautiful, delicious, and fun. It doesn't close your eyes to or negate the challenges, but it makes them a hell of a lot easier to navigate.
Be grateful for what you have and who you already are because what you appreciate appreciates in value. How cool is that?! And every day, no matter what challenges you're facing, there is always good to be experienced too.
There are, of course, many more ways to elevate your happiness and peace… and these are the ones that are ringing loud and clear to me at this stage of life.
How about you? What resonates with you? And what do you do to elevate your happiness, especially during challenging times?
There is no one-for-all approach. I'd love to hear.
And happy International Day of Happiness, my friend. You deserve to be happier!
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